Phish Tour and writing is something that has always been with me. Well, living for live music at least. Phish tour is something that has only been a “thing” for me in the past 7 years.  

Over the past 7 years, I’ve seen 20+ plus Phish tour shows which leaves me yearning for more every single time. People always ask us phans – how do you see the same band over and over and over again?

The answer is simple – there are no two shows alike. I have probably heard them play Moma Dance and 46 Days about 555 times but each time is different. And each show experience is different.

Before college, I wanted to be a music journalist. I interned at a music news website which allowed me exclusive access to many shows, to which I wrote reviews for.

As life marched on, college ensued – I lost sight of that passion. Of that need for writing about music.

Life Happens

I got married, had kids, took a job as an insurance broker. Not because I fell out of love for music or my passion waned – but because reality set in and I grew up, I guess. I provide for my family. My job gives me stability, it challenges me, gives me opportunity to travel the country and sometimes – those work trips align with Phish tour. It isn’t a bad gig, and I think I’ll stay for a while.

But that isn’t to say you can’t go back to what you once loved. I am re-finding my love for music and writing.

Now, this isn’t a show review but rather an exploration. I felt the need to articulate how these shows make me a better mom, a better wife – and all around – a better person to those who count on me.

Me Time

Everyone needs a little “me” time. But few actually make time for. Sure, my vision is skewed and yours might be too. I’m in half a dozen face book groups that circulate around Phish tour or Trey Anastasio Band Tour and the highlight reel makes it seem as though everyone is on tour. But in reality, most of us are lucky to go to maybe 1 show a year.

One isn’t enough for me. Each show is an equivalent to a religious experience for me. I learn something new about myself. About my friends. About my relationships.

Last September, we returned from our annual pilgrimage to Denver for three days of Phish. While some think of the Phish crowd as a bunch of drug-partaking, barefoot children dancing on the lawn types– there is a whole community of sober people too.

Sure, I’ve dabbled in drugs. I mean, I left home at 19, went to college in San Francisco and moved to NYC when I graduated. Drugs were around. However, now, I stick to what is legal (in my home state of CA – and luckily in Colorado too), alcohol and pot. And even with that, I don’t over indulge.

I don’t know if it’s getting older or wiser, but I don’t feel the need to get to the place where I don’t feel in control. Yes, I am a happy person. I love my life. I don’t feel the need to escape it.

Falling in Love with the Phish from Vermont

I remember the very moment I fell in love with Phish and it wasn’t at my first show (2013 Hollywood Bowl). Yes, I did “get it” then – but much like a new relationship – the fall in love part was built up and that happened about two years later at the Los Angeles Forum Show.

 I remember, so vividly, during looking around at the crowd. The lights had come up during Axilla and I could see the faces of all those around me. There were hands in the air, people jumping up and down – pure rocking out and joy. I felt euphoric from the music and those around me.

And that is when I fell in love with Phish Tour– this is what we live for. These pure moments of unadulterated, happiness. Of clarity. It was a spiritual moment for me and I’ve heard many feel the same way about Phish Tour.

At shows, people get so spun they lose their friends, they take naps on grassy knolls and some sit silently taking in every moment. I’m a singer and a dancer. By the end of the show, I’m hot, maybe a bit sweaty and absolutely on the most natural high there is.

It keeps me young, keeps my spirits high and allows me to face real life challenges head on. Because although today may not be the best day in the world – there is a glimmer of sparkle driving down the road one day where music will take me to that place of healing. Of therapy. Of feeling like everything is right and I can just hold tight.

The day Phish Tour stops being a thing is a sad day in my book. But this leads me to my next blog post…discovering new music.

Laura Marie Loftus is a writer living in Los Angeles, CA. Read more of here writing here.